I think after watching someone you love suffer physically, it takes a long time to process how it really affected you.  Often the emotional toil that you wrestle with inside yourself is more troubling and painful than the physical time and dedication necessary to properly care for the one disabled.  It is human nature to make “it” all about us while failing to see the bigger picture.  Grief happens in stages.  And God has his hand on all of it.

I know many people were amazed at, what some perceived as, my emotional strength during Mom’s visitation and final celebration.  It was not amazing at all.  I actually lost my mom on August 29, 2011.  Since my children were born, I feared losing my mom.  How would I function? What would I do without her helping me?  Well, on August 29 of last year, I found out.  God gave me a year to learn to live without her help in my life.  I know now that I can live without her.  During the last year, I have gone through the stages of loss.  I have dealt with my anger and sadness while having the gift of still having her around.  I learned so much from her in the last year, but during all that, I really prayed for her to go.

Yes, it was selfish.  Caring for disabled loved one is just plain hard to do and made harder when that person cannot fully communicate.  You worry about finances and medical issues.  You rework your life to fit the new situation, and you wish it was all over.  In the last year, I clung to Revelations 21: 1-6 which says,

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ² I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”⁵ He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”⁶ He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.”

I wanted Mom to receive this promise.  I felt guilty every time someone I knew or knew of was able to die during the year of Mom’s illness.  Why is she able to die and not Mom?  Why can he die so quickly after a stroke and Mom is still here?  I felt guilty and selfish and so conflicted about praying that my mother could just be done with her time in her flawed body.  I wanted there to be no more tears.  I did trust God, but I should have trusted him more.  He already had the hour of her death chosen, and when that hour came, I was FULLY ready for it.  My dad was fully ready as well.  We were both very calm when it happened.  God was getting us ready.

This week has been a hard one for me.  I really, really miss my mom.  I have had time for my life to “return to normal,” and now I really wish she was here.  I am in a new stage of mourning, but I would have it no other way.  My heart has been broken open, and I am leaving it open…wide open to the voice of God.  I have so much  that I want to share on this blog.   God is showing me connections and asking me to share them with you.  My prayers about Mom have been answered and now Revelations 21 is a hymn of praise for me.  Not only will I be made new in Christ and see my mom again, but God is making us new each day.  He is Alpha and Omega.  I, therefore, have nothing to fear.

The First UM Choir that sang at Mom’s funeral has in its repertoire a beautiful setting of Revelations 21: 1-4 called “God Shall Wipe Away All Tears.”  We have performed it several times in the 16 years I have sung with them.  Last spring, we sang the piece for a regular service and a concert in April.  I thought how meaningful it would be this to be sung at Mom’s funeral some day.  I never mentioned this to anyone.  It is not an easy song to perform, so I did not offer it as a possibility for Mom’s funeral.  Instead we chose to have the verses of Revelation 21 read during the service.  Then this past Sunday these verses came up in the lectionary.  It was also All Saints Sunday, the Sunday on which the church honors those who have left us in the last year; and the choir sang the song.  God worked it all out.   I praised God for showing me his love in my life.  I praised God for the newness of each day.  And I praised God that Mom’s tears and sorrow are no more.  CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO HEAR THE READING OF THE NAMES AND THE CHORAL ANTHEM.

Video from Nov 4, 2012 service at First UM church